Sarah and Carina Versus Season Three
by Liam2
Summary: Season Three seem a little off to you guys? You're not the only ones to think so. Sarah and Carina have noticed, too. While this features Sarah and Carina, it is NOT slash. I know, I'm stunned, too.


_Spoilers through episode 3x03, "Chuck Versus the Angel de la Muerte". While I don't consider this parody, it does kind of lampoon the events thus far in season three._

-------------------

Sarah and Carina Versus Season Three

By Liam

-------------------

"You did WHAT?!"

Carina startled. She instinctively brought her hands up to defend herself, but the copious amounts of tequila were dulling her reflexes.

It was three months since their last meeting. Three months since Carina blew into town posing as the fiancée of a bad guy and lured Chuck and Sarah into the madness. Three months since, well, Carina slept with Morgan Grimes.

"You WHAT?!" Sarah bellowed again.

They were in Sarah's hotel room. The intention had been to enjoy a quite night in for drinks. That had devolved into the agents playing tequila-pong and telling raunchy stories of past exploits and conquests.

Carina tossed back another shot. She stumbled a bit and frowned at her companion. "Did I slur? Didn't think I slurred. I can never tell though." Carina burped softly, just like a lady should.

"Morgan Grimes?"

"Morgan _Guillermo_ Grimes. My fuzzy little Lothario."

Sarah's nose crinkled in disgust. She took another shot of Cuervo to get the foul taste from her mouth. It didn't work.

"My God, Carina…"

"What? He may not look it, but the boy does have some skills."

Sarah threw up in her mouth a little. "Carina…he picks food crumbs from his beard and eats them."

Carina's own nose crinkled. "Okay, that's a little disgusting. But he sexed me up good. Easily in my Top Twenty. Which, given the amount of sex I've had and with so many partners, is the equivalent to most people's Top Three."

Sarah stared, aghast. "Does your slutdom know no bounds?"

Carina refilled her shot glass and asked in return, "Have you met me?"

"I always said you'd screw anything that moves, but until this very moment it was merely a figure of speech."

"He he he," Carina laughed, tipping back her shot. "Yeah, I like my sex. As my mother used to say, you must do what you love."

"Should have been a hooker then."

"Hey!" Carina shouted, wagging a finger at Sarah. "Don't think I couldn't be an escort or something. I have skills."

"Not marketable skills. That would be solicitation."

"You're just pissed because _I'm_ an interesting character."

"Hey! I'm interesting!"

Carina turned away as she once more filled her shot glass, mumbling, "Not lately, you're not."

"Yeah, well, sluts may get attention, but that doesn't make them interesting."

"Eh, look at Miss Crabby-Pants. Maybe if you thawed out and pulled that stick out of your ass for a while, maybe people would like you more. In fact, why don't you take Chuck's stick and shove it…"

Carina ducked the shot glass Sarah threw.

"Hey! Don't waste good tequila!"

"Fine." Sarah walked around the table, reared back, and clocked Carina across the jaw, sending her friend crashing to the floor. As Carina sat there, rubbing her jaw, Sarah collapsed next to her, crying. She threw her arms around Carina in a fierce hug. "God I hate you," she choked.

"Jeez," Carina sighed. "Talk about mixed signals. Make up your mind, girl. Do you love me or hate me?"

"Yes," Sarah sniffed. "Carina Hansen, you infuriate me."

"Miller."

Sarah looked up. "Huh?"

"My name is Miller." Off Sarah's confusion, she said, "I know, I don't look like a Miller. Hansen was a cover name. Apparently. In fact, I'm not sure where Hansen came from."

Sarah stared, incredulous. "All this time, I never knew your last name?" She clumsily stood and stormed away. "I don't know how I feel about that!"

"Christ, girl," Carina groaned, getting to her feet. She braced against the table for support. "Are you this hot and cold with Chuck? No wonder the boy's always got a dumbass look on his face."

"No, that's just the way he looks."

"Oh."

Sarah sighed. "Sometimes I wish I could be a real girl. But this emotion stuff is hard."

A thoughtful expression passed over Carina's face. Well, as thoughtful an expression as she was capable of. "This conversation is awful strange. Almost like we're in a movie or show and the writer isn't sure of our characterizations."

"I know. I wish things would even out. I've just been feeling really off lately."

The woman stood in silence. After several long moments, Carina said, "I suddenly feel compelled to ask if you want to have freaky lesbian sex. Or maybe just stand around in our lingerie and have a softcore Skinimax moment. Is that bad writing?"

"No," Sarah said. "Well, yeah. But I think it falls well within your established persona. But what the hell do I know? I thought your name was Hansen."

Another strange silence. Then Carina asked, "So, Skinimax moment or freaky lesbian sex?"

"Better go with freaky lesbian sex. The way things are going, I'm not getting in Chuck's pants any time soon."

"Hey, you never know. Maybe some Bryce Larkin knockoff will show up soon to romance you."

"Yeah, if that happens, I'll know I'm living in a TV show. That, or if some pixie brunette shows up to romance Chuck. But what's the chance any of that will happen?"

THE END

----------

_Ta-da! Yeah, it was stupid. But if you wanna review anyway, I won't mind._


End file.
